Grandpa was brought in by ambulance after being found “unconscious” on the floor of the kitchen. He either got the deal of a lifetime on candy canes at Walmart that night or he hit the peppermint schnapps a little too hard. His garbled sentences and my diagnostic acumen led me to choose the latter reason for his reported unconsciousness. He was moving all extremities, was saying “please” and “thank you” and didn’t have any signs of injury. We hooked him up to a monitor and let him sleep it off.
Grandpa’s wife comes to the window wanting to know how grandpa is doing. She’s bawling and howling and throwing her hands up in the air. One whiff of her confirmed that she must have eaten some candy canes, too. Grandpa’s wife was 40 years younger than Grandpa. After Mrs. Grandpa calmed down, we let her back to be with her husband.
Then a female and male who also live in Grandpa’s trailer with Grandpa and his wife come to the window, also smelling of eau de peppermint. They were let back to see how Grandpa was doing.
The two females get into an argument in the room. Young male walks out. Female friend follows him out into the hall, yells “HEY!” and pulls up her shirt when he turns around. He leaves anyway. Female friend then goes back into room and starts tongue kissing Grandpa on the ear, making wife mad. They start yelling again and both are asked to leave. Wife walks out. Female friend objects to leaving, saying that she’s “not being ignorant” and that she’ll “leave when she wants to, bitch.”
Security is called, but cannot come because security is fighting with another patient up on the floor who was admitted for intractable vomiting, who has not vomited once since she was admitted, and who was infuriated because her boyfriend was not allowed to sleep in the bed with her. Instead of enduring the horror of sleeping alone for the night, she decides to “sign the f#@$ out of this f#@$ing hospital.”
Emergency department secretary calls police. Female friend hears secretary call police and makes untoward comment about secretary’s mother. I tell female friend to leave now. She flips me off and yells “F#%@ YOU!” I tell her that now she has to leave AND she can’t come back. “Nyahhh nyahhh.” Everyone watching what is happening laughs.
Female friend then points her finger at me and says “I’ll wait for YOU after work.” Because her sentence was ambiguous regarding the term “work,” I had a puzzled look on my face as she was escorted out the door by the nurse. Did her pepperminty dog breath and tongue kisses to Grandpa’s ear constitute her “work” for the evening and she was seeking to meet me when she was finished? Or did she want to meet me when I was finished with my shift to carry out some nefarious yet-to-be-mentioned plans? Looks like I might need to request a police escort out of the hospital when I was done with my “work” – just to be safe.
In the parking lot, police showed up and female friend got all Jerry Springer with one of the officers. She was dragged, kicking and screaming, into a waiting car by Grandpa’s wife and was performing pantomime performances of her favorite four letter words in the passenger window of the vehicle as she was being driven off the premises.
Police then walked into the waiting room and arrested someone sitting there on an outstanding warrant. Because the offender was due to have surgery on a broken hand the following day (and he had his preoperative papers with him), they let him go.
Police officer put his last $5 into a vending machine for a Diet Coke and the machine ate his money. Belch. Staff took up a collection of quarters so that he could purchase what amounted to a $6.50 bottle of soda.
Just another night in the emergency department.
Can’t wait to see the patient feedback scores.
I was thinking what a contrast with the “please” and “thank you” as opposed to the trash talk you usually get in that situation.
Didn’t they just spice up your shift a bit!
I wonder if she is a Lois Lane by day without being under the influence of the Eau de Peppermint? nah.
There is a full moon or close to being one tonight… so brace yourself.
Patient feedback? The only patient here is Grandpa, and he sounds pretty happy. Perhaps once the peppermint wears off he will get grouchy.
Perhaps the frustrated cop can fill out a feedback form. Will Mr. BrokenHand blame you for his warrant trouble?
Unfortunately, family members fill out the feedback forms just as often as the patients do. Family also writes their own letters to administration describing how “badly” they have been treated.
Grandpa sounds like he’s got stuff figured out. Two women to dote on him, he gets drunk when he feels like, and is happily transported around.
I want his life.
Thanks for posting. My financial planner has never mentioned anything about retirement cost associated with a double wide, adult beverages, a young bride, and a younger lady friend.
I don’t have many years left, but at least now I have something to look foward to.
Oh jeez, White Coat–you have all the fun! For Christmas I shall send you a sack of candy canes. And here I was berating myself for not being more sympathetic to the alcoholic that fell off the bar stool, breaking his recently replaced hip!
This sounds LIKE A GOOD DAY IN MY OLD CLASSROOM! No wonder why half of all teachers leave within the first two years.
Security, what is that? Go solo, the educator way!