A guy comes in for evaluation of rectal bleeding.
After dealing with patients like this, I have a healthy respect for people who complain about rectal bleeding.
The first thing I noticed was that he had changed out of his pants and into a gown. His bloody underwear were sitting on the floor. Not good.
“I just woke up this morning and thought I crapped my pants. Instead, there was a bunch of blood there.”
Nothing abnormal in his history. His vital signs were normal. Nothing abnormal with his physical exam … until I got to the rectal region.
A whole lot of blood and clots were present. When I wiped those away, I saw the reason for all the blood.
He had an inch-long laceration and some bruising to his perirectal area. Nothing abnormal on the inside as far as I could tell and his stool had no blood, so damage was probably limited to the outside.
“Ummm. Were you putting anything up there?”
“WHAT!?!? NO! That’s disgusting!” There was a moment of awkward silence while I turned to wash my hands. Then he continued.
“I think I know what happened, though. I was cleaning out my shed yesterday and was pulling old bottles off of a shelf to throw them away. Some of the broken glass probably fell into my mouth and I swallowed it. It must have cut me this morning when it came out the other end.”
Uh huh. And I’m Dr. McDreamy.
Use latex products next time.
Hey
Great story! Have heard a few of those as well. Enjoyed your site and various stories.
Just started my own site–focusing more on the human element from an ER perspective.
I will be following…
If it makes you feel any better, I picture you as Dr. McDreamy. Why not, right?
Tough to reconcile that I really look like Uncle Fester, huh?
Oh, come on, McDreamy. Modesty is charming and all, but what woman would think that a martial-arts doctor dood with some money-to-burn looked like Uncle Fester? I’m not that pessimistic. Can’t fool me, pal!
OMG. Just, OMG.
Come on Buddy, come up with some excuse that is at least REMOTELY believable.
At the VERY least just be honest…”Eh, I was bored”
Well, he did kinda tell you what happened. Just it was in code. “Oh well some BROKEN GLASS somehow magically ended up in my butt.”
Comprehensive sex ed is obviously needed along the lines of “Do not put breakables in your butt.” You obviously need some advertising material for some discreet online stores to leave lying around in cases like this.
Reminds me of the day in the ED when a youngish couple came to the ER, they said they were drunk, fooling around the night before when something got lost. As I looked at her, she shook her head and said “umm… not me – him”. Subsequent films showed a penis shaped vibrator so high up we had to send him to surgery for removal.
Ewwww on the FB and if you never did anything else..you deserve all your pay just for moments like that.
And I’d bet you look nothing like uncle fester.