WhiteCoat

The Freebie

If you’re eating, if you like lollipops, if you are a member of the clergy, if you are under age 18, or if you frequent gentlemen’s clubs, you may not want to read this post.

You have been warned.

While out at dinner of all places, one of my friends asked me about the weirdest and the grossest things that I have seen in the emergency department. There were a few incidents that popped into my mind, but the incident below always seems to beat the other ones out on the weird-o-meter.

Remember. You are reading this at your own risk.

Back in my residency, senior residents used to team up with a junior resident to moonlight in a couple of smaller emergency departments in pairs. Most of the emergency departments were inner-city.

Another resident and I were working one night when an attractive woman registered to be seen for “female problems.” She was dressed in a rather skimpy outfit with cut-off jeans and a tank top that was a little too small for her. Her high heels went “click-click” on the floor as she walked. On her belt were several beepers. She was accompanied by a well-built man in a leather jacket and dark glasses who carried her fur jacket over his arm.

As she walked to the gyne room, literally everyone stopped talking and watched her walk by.

The other resident grabbed her chart out of the triage nurse’s hands and headed towards the gyne room accompanied by one of the older nurses who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind.

A few minutes later, the gentleman exited the room and stood next to the door – still holding the woman’s coat. A beeper went off while he was waiting. He checked the number on the pager and knocked on the door. Shortly afterwards, the door opened and he went back inside.
A few minutes later, the resident and the nurse emerged from the room. The nurse was rolling her eyes and shaking her head. The resident’s face was very, very red.
The nurse brought the patient her discharge instructions and conversations stopped as the patient “click-click-clicked” her way back across the emergency department and out of the door.

So do you really want to know what happened inside the room? You’re not eating a lollipop now, are you?

The woman worked in a gentleman’s club. Dancers at the club would, during their routines, cut the sticks off of several Charms Blow Pops and insert the candy part of the lollipops – well – someplace that people usually don’t put lollipops.
Then, as the women danced on stage, men could pay money to lay their heads back on the stage and the dancers would come over to the men, squat over their faces, perform the Kegel maneuver, and deposit a lollipop in the patron’s mouth. Apparently it was cool in that gentlemen’s club to be seen blowing bubbles while watching the show.

The patient came to the emergency department because during her routine, one of the lollipops had gotten stuck inside of her and would not come out.

After getting this history, the resident needed to do a pelvic exam to retrieve the wayward lollipop. When he inserted the speculum, he couldn’t find anything. He removed the speculum and did a bimanual exam. Still nothing. He re-inserted the speculum and began twisting it side to side. At that point, the nurse slapped him on the side of the head and said “It was a Blow Pop, not a Tic-Tac … you dummy!”
The resident removed the speculum, everyone agreed that there was no lost lollipop, and the patient was discharged.

As the patient was getting dressed, she quipped to the resident “Looks like someone got a freebie.”

8 Responses to “The Freebie”

  1. ERP says:

    I had a woman who was conviced she lost some toilet paper up there – I seached and seached but found nothing. She basically grabbed my hand and tried to direct it where she thought it was. I was like – WHOA there! and withdrewl. Meanwhile the chaperaone giggled.

  2. ThorMD says:

    I saw a lady once who also worked at a “Gentleman’s Club”. She would put a shot glass in her vajayjay and the guys would pay to drink out of it. One time the shot glass flipped over and got stuck on her cervix. It basically vacuum attached itself on there and I had to send her to the OR to get it removed.

    • DefendUSA says:

      Working at a Troop medical clinic in Texas, it was my turn to do some learing. I had no idea about sex toys or sex for that matter,except what I saw at Rena’s Boutique in our little town. Yep. A patient had lost her balls. You know, those chinese (whatever they’re called) metal balls…lost in the “Netherlands”.

      They jingle ever so slightly and as the PA inserted the speculum, he hit them or moved them. I don’t know if he realized it, but he began to hum Jingle Bells!

      Needless to say, whenever the patient came in after that we all referred to her as “Jingles” or someone would come to the back and start humming the song! She was quite an active gal.

  3. Hold on, there are like a billion lollipop-related jokes that just popped into my head. I can’t even choose which one to go with.

    That story was beyond awesome.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Oh WC if you only knew how much random-object porn is readily available online…gear shift knobs, popscicles, bottles (glass and plastic), assorted fruits, lollipops, cell phones (that one was impressive)….list goes on and on

    *Not that I have any first hand knowledge of these videos ;)

  5. ladyk73 says:

    wow….not as bad as the stories my NP’s had when i worked at planned parenthood…

    Once a g-string was recovered a few weeks after it was lost…. I heard the smell was barf worthy

  6. John Spengler says:

    One time I saw a patient in the ER that had a nearly 4 inch diameter cucumber trapped in his rectum. It required the skills of a surgeon who mumbled, while he was removing the wayward veggie, “I went to medical school for this”? The other one was a turkey baster trapped in the same place. When he checked in the receptioonist asked him to have a seat and he responded, “If I could sit, I wouldn’t be here.”

    J9

  7. SeaSpray says:

    I’ve joked about having a Speculum tug-o-war:

    The Olympian level kegeling patient vs the Seasoned gyne doc trying to remove the speculum post gyne exam. It would be funny if the patient could hold on to it and the doc couldn’t pull it out. Just for fun. Then let go at the hardest tug. ;)

    Had no idea there are women that kegel out lollipops! Ewww! And that men would take them from a strange woman. Gives new meaning to the name tootsie. Double ewww. My lollipop innocence is forever lost now. :(

    Oh and if she had stress incontinence when popping out those pops ..now that would be funny. But I suppose someone who kegels for a living wouldn’t have SI.

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