You have been warned.
While out at dinner of all places, one of my friends asked me about the weirdest and the grossest things that I have seen in the emergency department. There were a few incidents that popped into my mind, but the incident below always seems to beat the other ones out on the weird-o-meter.
Remember. You are reading this at your own risk.
Back in my residency, senior residents used to team up with a junior resident to moonlight in a couple of smaller emergency departments in pairs. Most of the emergency departments were inner-city.
Another resident and I were working one night when an attractive woman registered to be seen for “female problems.” She was dressed in a rather skimpy outfit with cut-off jeans and a tank top that was a little too small for her. Her high heels went “click-click” on the floor as she walked. On her belt were several beepers. She was accompanied by a well-built man in a leather jacket and dark glasses who carried her fur jacket over his arm.
As she walked to the gyne room, literally everyone stopped talking and watched her walk by.
The other resident grabbed her chart out of the triage nurse’s hands and headed towards the gyne room accompanied by one of the older nurses who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind.
A few minutes later, the gentleman exited the room and stood next to the door – still holding the woman’s coat. A beeper went off while he was waiting. He checked the number on the pager and knocked on the door. Shortly afterwards, the door opened and he went back inside.
A few minutes later, the resident and the nurse emerged from the room. The nurse was rolling her eyes and shaking her head. The resident’s face was very, very red.
The nurse brought the patient her discharge instructions and conversations stopped as the patient “click-click-clicked” her way back across the emergency department and out of the door.
So do you really want to know what happened inside the room? You’re not eating a lollipop now, are you?
The woman worked in a gentleman’s club. Dancers at the club would, during their routines, cut the sticks off of several Charms Blow Pops and insert the candy part of the lollipops – well – someplace that people usually don’t put lollipops.
Then, as the women danced on stage, men could pay money to lay their heads back on the stage and the dancers would come over to the men, squat over their faces, perform the Kegel maneuver, and deposit a lollipop in the patron’s mouth. Apparently it was cool in that gentlemen’s club to be seen blowing bubbles while watching the show.
The patient came to the emergency department because during her routine, one of the lollipops had gotten stuck inside of her and would not come out.
After getting this history, the resident needed to do a pelvic exam to retrieve the wayward lollipop. When he inserted the speculum, he couldn’t find anything. He removed the speculum and did a bimanual exam. Still nothing. He re-inserted the speculum and began twisting it side to side. At that point, the nurse slapped him on the side of the head and said “It was a Blow Pop, not a Tic-Tac … you dummy!”
The resident removed the speculum, everyone agreed that there was no lost lollipop, and the patient was discharged.
As the patient was getting dressed, she quipped to the resident “Looks like someone got a freebie.”