Two portraits drawn for me during and after a tough day.

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In one of the hospitals were I work, there is a policy that security has to escort all newborns and their families to their vehicles once the babies have been discharged.

While security was in the emergency department observing another patient, over his radio came the following statement:

“Hello! This is Susan in OB. I have a discharge.”

The security guard became red in the face when a nurse said “Boy, she should have one of the docs up there check that!”

I turned around, shuffled backward, and eased myself back onto the clean bedsheets. Mrs. WhiteCoat removed the lines from the IV pole and moved the pole to the other side of the bed so it was on the same side as the arm where the IV was placed. Then she gently hung the Foley catheter bag back on the bed.
I told her “Dang, this thing hurts,” referring to the catheter.
“Then hit the button,” she replied, nodding to the PCA pump.
“It doesn’t help when I do hit the button anyway. Simple physics. Think about it. Look at the IV line. It is about 4 or 5 feet in length. Every time I hit the button, it squirts about 1 mL of medication into the IV line. That amount of fluid takes up about, what, an inch or two of IV line? I would have to push a button a good 40-60 times before the medication from the syringe actually reached my vein.”
“Did you ever think that maybe they primed the line with medication before they attached it to the machine?”
“If they did, then why do they have to lock tube of medicine inside the pump? For aesthetics? All of medication is already in the IV line. Why don’t they just put a syringe of saline there?”
“Then people would either think they were getting saline for pain or they would know that they could get a huge bolus of medication just by cutting the IV line and letting all of the medication run into their veins.”
“Good answer. I guess I won’t publish that on my blog then. Besides, since when is pain from a rubber tube causing a friction ulcer on the tip of my woo hoo an indication for pain medication? The answer is to remove the rubber tube, wouldn’t you think?”
“Don’t make me come over there and wrestle that button from your hand.”
“Fine.” I pressed the button. “You happy?”
“Yes. Now maybe we both can get some sleep.”

Mrs. WhiteCoat and I watched television for an hour or so. Both of us got text messages on our phones. I took pictures of my stomach and sent them to people who texted me. I was getting to be quite the voyeur. In the back of my mind, I was determined not to go to sleep.

(more…)

Because several people have asked me to address Matt’s comments, I have decided to take action.

I will preface the text below by saying that I believe everyone has a right to speak their mind, within reason [no shouting "fire" in a crowded theater and all that stuff]. I also find value in the opinions of others which dissent from my own opinions. They cause me to reflect on my values and in some cases have caused me to change my opinion on topics.

With that being said, several readers have asserted their beliefs that Matt the Commenter has overstepped the bounds of commenting decency.

Therefore, as the Attorney General of the County of WhiteCoat’s Call Room, I have filed the following complaint in State Court of EP Monthly.

It will now be left up to a jury of Matt the Commenter’s peers to determine whether Matt the Commenter is guilty of the e-crime listed below.

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—WITNESSSETH—

In the State of EP Monthly, County of WhiteCoat’s Call Room, Matt the Commenter has hereby been charged with the e-crime of Disorderly Commenting Conduct in the First Degree.

Elements of this crime include making ad hominem attacks against other commenters, creating irrelevant comments unbecoming a commenter, and otherwise sordid commenting behavior.

Readers, as the jury, are instructed to review transcripts of comments made by Matt the Commenter on this blog in coming to their decision.

The jury may choose to find the Defendant guilty of this e-crime and impose a penalty, or the jury may choose to acquit the Defendant.

In order to convict the Defendant of this e-crime, more than 66% of the jury must find the Defendant guilty.

After familiarizing yourself with the evidence in this case, please cast your vote below.

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**As you should be aware, there is no crime of “Disorderly Commenting Conduct” and Matt is not and will not be charged with a crime. There is no State of EP Monthly. There is no County of WhiteCoat’s Call Room. This post is intended solely as a parody of a legal proceeding.**