WhiteCoat

Poo Quote of the Night

Poo issues tend to be interesting. Still haven’t had one that matches up with this poo issue, but nevertheless … poo issues are interesting.

A young woman stated that she had a worm that kept sticking its head out of her “butthole,” wiggling around, and retreating back inside before she could get her pants down and grab it. Damn smart tapeworm, it was.
So we do an x-ray to show her that there is no worm there.
She was OK with the idea until the x-ray didn’t show anything. Then she concluded that worms don’t show up on x-rays.
I dutifully performed a rectal exam on her. Now of course some people have joked about doing an exam and, in the midst of the exam yelling “OW! HE’S GOT ME. OWWWWWWW!” That would be unprofessional, though, so it’s not something that a physician would even think of doing in such a case.
No worm. OK, ma’am you can be safely discharged. Here’s the number for our gastroenterologist.
“Were those lumps eggs?”
“Excuse me?”
“Those lumps inside my rectum … were they eggs?”
“I’m sorry. What are you talking about?”
“Didn’t you feel lumps inside there?”
“No. There were no lumps inside your rectum.”
“Well when I stick my finger in there, I can feel lumps. I just know they’re worm eggs.”

Allllrightey then. Here’s the number for a nematologist, too.

This and all posts about patients may be fictional, may be my experiences, may be submitted by readers for publication here, or may be any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate. If you would like to have a patient story published on WhiteCoat’s Call Room, please e-mail me.

5 Responses to “Poo Quote of the Night”

  1. DataGirl says:

    Dude, totally got the the tapeworm once while traveling abroad (I have yet to post about this), and believe me you see the body segments (grossly like onion peels) long before the thing decides to make its way out. Took the drug i needed and puked all over when behold the tapeworm died and made its way to my comode. Awful awful awful shit.

  2. Chrys says:

    Your killin’ me over here, WC. How do you keep a straight face?

  3. RSDS says:

    > “Well when I stick my finger in there, I can feel lumps. I just know they’re worm eggs.” <

    Might they be hemorrhoids?

  4. SeaSpray says:

    “OW! HE’S GOT ME. OWWWWWWW!” Cruel …but FUNNY! :) Remember the mouse up the VJJ post in another ED blog a few years back? If you hollered that to that couple …they’d have believed it for sure. :)

    An ED doc I worked with told me about a man who had used the public restroom on the NY state thruway and picked up some kind of worms. When the Dr examined him they were wiggling part way out.

    OMG – I don’t think there would be a medication in the world strong enough to calm me down or maybe keep me a live if that was going on!

    Anyway …I followed the link to your other poo post. I had forgotten about that. Still the worst story I’ve heard. But, you never said *WHY* the poo was everywhere …including the otoscope. ??? Altered mental status, vindictive, WHY?

  5. DensityDuck says:

    You should have told her she had Morgellon’s Syndrome.

    Actually, it’s probably better for everyone that you didn’t.

Leave a Reply


three − 2 =

Popular Authors

  • Greg Henry
  • Rick Bukata
  • Mark Plaster
  • Kevin Klauer
  • Jesse Pines
  • David Newman
  • Rich Levitan
  • Ghazala Sharieff
  • Nicholas Genes
  • Jeannette Wolfe
  • William Sullivan
  • Michael Silverman

Subscribe to EPM