WhiteCoat

Dear Diary

Dear Diary

Some things just don’t make sense to me.

Why do dogs just like to eat random objects? Lately, it’s been a case of “guess what the dog ate today” around our house. Eraser. Hairbrush. Tube of toothpaste (she loves toothpaste). Martial arts training knife. Our other dog just walks around with his tail between his legs when he sees something chewed up on the floor because he thinks the other dog will blame him for it.
Then we get the great idea to lock spazzy boxer pup in the bathroom so she won’t have to sit in her cage for 12 hours while the family drives to a football game and back this past weekend. No, that was Ms. WhiteCoat’s idea. I had nothing to do with it. We returned to find the door broken, the stripping ripped up from the door jamb, and a bathroom that looked like it was being renovated. Our vet calls it separation anxiety. I call it something else. Then the dog gives us the big googly eyes when we get home as if to say if only we had provided her with a doggie counsellor to help control her impulses, none of this would have happened.

Where do all the damn headphones in the world go? I have this pet peeve. I hate it when people take my things and don’t put them back. With six people in the house, no one will own up to losing whatever it is that’s missing. So if things go missing more than a couple of times, I buy 10 of them. Kids kept stealing my combs out of the bathroom, I bought a 20-pack and threw a few in each kid’s room. Kids were taking all of my pens, I got a 100 pack of the pens I like from Staples for like $20 and bring up handfuls from the storage room when they go missing. Tennis balls to play with the dog go missing – I bought 50 used ones off of eBay. Of course, half the missing balls were in the gutter, but now we have extras. Also have a half dozen nail clippers laying all over the house. But mine are left alone. One thing that just doesn’t reach the saturation point of missingness is headphones. I had a couple of good pairs of ear buds that went missing. So I went online and bought 10 pairs of them for $4 apiece. Within a week, they had all vanished. Not a trace. I bought 10 more. Gone within another couple of weeks. WTF? So I said to hell with it and I jog listening to music from the speaker on my phone now. I checked on eBay and no one from this house is selling them. And I looked through the doggie doo and didn’t see any wires, so it isn’t spazzy boxer pup, either. Maybe we got ourselves a gremlin.

What is it with our family and insects? First, it’s the ants. Then I leave for work last week for an overnight shift. I get an urgent call from home telling the secretary to pull me out of a room with a patient. Mrs. WhiteCoat is on the other end of the line and is freaking out because our basement has turned into the set for some horror flick. She says there are like 200 flies on the ceiling of the basement buzzing all around. I made the mistake of telling her that maybe there was a mouse dead in the ceiling or something. She calls around to every exterminator in town and no one will come out at night. I tell her to get the can of Raid from the garage and spray it around the basement. Nope. Too many chemicals will land on the carpet and will get on the dog’s paws. Fine. Wait until the morning and I’ll come home and take care of it. Nope. Exterminator at the house before I get home, sprays “safe” can of Raid all over basement and leaves. Then he tells us to ventilate the room and wash the carpets after a day or so – which is the same thing I would have done for $80 less with the deadly generic Raid.
Ended up that one of the kids left part of a ham sandwich in the garbage. Flies like rotting ham.
Kind of amusing to listen to Mrs. WhiteCoat describe how she stuffed towels under the door and put tape around the door cracks so that the flies didn’t find their way into the house. The whole next day, I just kept looking up into the air as if a fly was flying around and watching Mrs. WhiteCoat grab her hair and duck for cover.

Why don’t kids listen? Oldest daughter has a boyfriend … or so she thinks. They’ve been dating for a month and he still hasn’t taken her out on a date during a weekend. We keep telling her that something is wrong with the picture. It was her birthday this weekend and she wanted him to come to the football game with us. He said that he was going there with his parents the night before and staying in a hotel, but that he would meet her at the game. So for her birthday, we drive the whole family to the game. She’s texting him the whole time and he doesn’t answer. Drive down there, watch the game, drive all the way back home. Nothing. Following day, he texts her and says that his phone wasn’t working and that he didn’t get any of her text messages until just then and he’s sorry that he missed her at the game. Then some girl posts a picture on Facebook of a guy hugging her and saying that she had the “best weekend of her life.” The guy looked awful familiar to my daughter, that’s for sure. Oh, and he never traveled to the football game at all. His parents ended up being “too tired.”
She won’t dump this kid. I just keep telling her what a “two-timer” is. Then I tried using the “fool me once” quote and pulled a George Bush.
Gotta let her learn for herself, I guess. Then we’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
Kind of made me smile how Jr. WhiteCoat was so upset about this guy making his sister cry. Shaking his head and punching his fist into the air once he found out what happened. Good kid, he is. Wrestling started up again this week and he has gained 5 pounds from last year. Another decade or two and he’ll be big enough to pound the stuffing out of this two-timer.

Mrs. WhiteCoat’s thyroid patient finally relented and came to the office. Funny thing. For someone who was “doing great,” she didn’t seem so during her appointment. Losing weight. Losing hair. Palpitations. Yeah. Her TSH was undetectable. Turns out the ENT doc started her on 0.025 mg of thyroxine after her thyroidectomy, then on the next appointment increased her dose to 0.1 mg without checking labs. So thanks to everyone for their advice on that one.

Had planned to write more today, but got to have an unexpected date day with Mrs. WhiteCoat. We went to lunch, had a glass of wine, then went to seek Breaking Dawn Part 2. Not really into the whole Twilight series, but the movie wasn’t bad.
Did anyone else notice that at the end of the movie the vampires weren’t glittering when they were sitting in the sunlight? Mrs. WhiteCoat got mad at me for mentioning it instead of just enjoying the movie.

Well, diary, there’s an early shift tomorrow. Time for bed.
Until next time …

8 Responses to “Dear Diary”

  1. Essay says:

    Uh … Paragraph 1: My Dog Eats Everything That Isn’t Bolted Down

    Paragraph 2: Where Have All The Earphones Gone (Long Time Passing)

    Call me silly, or maybe it’s just the vet in me, but have you considered these two paragraphs might actually be related?

    In all seriousness, if your dog’s separation anxiety is that bad, there are a few things you can do. A course in desensitization therapy with a board certified veterinary behaviorist may help with this. Since the behavior is not going to go away on its own, and may get worse with the passage of time, it may well be worth the investment of time to at least look into this. There are also some medications that may help with mild separation anxiety, although from your description your pup may be a little past this stage.

  2. DefendUSA says:

    We have seven in our house and that missing Shi*, er, stuff phenomenon drives me to drink!!

    Nail Clippers, check.
    Hairbrushes and combs. Check.
    Headphones and chargers. Check.
    Tape measures. Check.
    Carmex. Check.
    Remotes. Check.

    My other half does not get it when I lose my mind over the kids and he taking my stuff. I actually bought a lock box for myself and voila…I have both of my brushes, finger and toenail clippers, tweezers and my nice earbuds. It shouldn’t be like this but it is…problem solved!! :)

  3. Bill Alexander says:

    The most fun and safe way to get rid of flies is with a shop vac. Best way is to sneak up behind them.

  4. Future Pharmer of America says:

    1. Collect ear buds.
    2. ???
    3. PROFIT!

  5. TAM says:

    12 hours? You are leaving a puppy locked up for 12 hours? Among other problems, most living beings need to pee more than once every 12 hours. If the pooch isn’t neurotic, it will be if you do that very often.
    Not good for the kidneys or the psyche.
    Petsitter next time? And in a cage where it can see the other dog would be safer and easier on the dog.
    I hope you were exaggerating the time frame.

  6. Rich says:

    Two people live in our house – two! Yet we have the vanishing articles.
    Pens
    Nail clippers
    dish towels (do I win for the strangest?)
    remotes
    eye drops
    I too buy these in mass quantities and have one item (pencils) that no amount will sate the disappearance gremlins. I buy a box of 20 number two pencils at least twice a month yet I can never find one.

  7. Student Paramed says:

    My cat knocked all the Christmas baubles off the tree last year…. Which the dog then ate. She was shitting sparkliy blue for weeks. And then she ate the fairy lights, the roses, the pet chicken, my head phones, my phone charger, the wooden decking…..

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